Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jmo_043734's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 16th, 2007
11:34 pm	Bad news. My mom's sick. She was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer. It really, really hurts. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2007
5:46 pm	So . . . Tysier and I are playing a huge internet joke. You know how everyone believes what they read on Myspace and Facebook. We're succeeding in convincing everyone that we're engaged. It's fucking hilarious. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
3:42 am	Deceptive Fruit. Your heart is like Snow White's double-cheeked apple. I just bit into the poison side. The cloying taste of fruit is heavy on my tongue and it is all that remains as I fall to ashes. I manacle myself with this bitterness to focus it, and make it sharp, so that it will break through my skin, this thing you are so very buried within. Malaise spills over and leaves ribbons down my hands. As you leave and take away the air I breathe, I watch an adagio scene, where the sweet half of you is no remedy as it all falls down at my feet (Comment on this)
Monday, April 9th, 2007
12:39 am	Locked box. In my head, there is a small part of me that I hold tight under lock and key. You attempt to break in, you keep trying to find this secret, my talent, my words, all things I keep in this locked box in my mind. I'm selfish, I know, but I have to store these words away, if I lose everything, what I lock up tight is all that would stay. This vault is intriguing, it fascinates you, and I feel your fingers slipping around it, looking for the catch, trying to possess what I reveal to very few. It is mine, and mine alone, and while I will share parts, you cannot try to force your way in the puzzlebox, because it will only lead to the bloody mess of broken hearts. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 5th, 2007
2:46 am	In retrospect, going to class may have been a good idea. I got to teach my first lesson yesterday. I sucked balls. It was on the rise of fascism in Europe immediately preceding World War II. I'm quite certain that was covered in my modern European history class. That would be the class where I went to maybe five lectures. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
12:07 am	This much I know is true. My mother and I spent most of my youth trying to kill one another. Excruciating fights were the norm, over insane things, at that. A number of them centered on how many of my peers were also wearing the bell bottoms twenty years too late, outfits totally devoid of color, or lipstick so purple my mouth may as well have been a bruise. I had never given a flying fuck about what my peers had thought about me, so my mother was regarded in the same vein. I still don't care that she thinks my clothes are strange, my tattoos are disfiguring, the shot of rum I took in front of her is another step of the first mile in becoming an alcoholic, like her father. There were other fights, fights where I left a dent in the sheetrock, fights where I ran barefoot down a gravel road, sharp silver of a kitchen knife glinting behind me. Fights where I learned to gouge just as deep as she did, when I was old enough. I was so resentful and I wanted her dead just as much as she wished I had not been born, that I wasn't a chain locking her to the world. I am older now, and there is something inside my mother, deep and malignant. I am older, and have put away such childish things as that jungle of jagged lush thoughts, though they were not without justification. When I was younger, I thought she had abandoned me for the barb-wired battlefields of her mind, her terrible mind, a place of uncertainty, a place of retreat, a place of lachrymose salt stains on my face. The further I reached into adulthood this becomes both true and false, falling deeper into a gray area that becomes more obscured as I realize that yesterday is both dead and irrevocably static. Now there is the possibility that I will soon be very completely alone, without my mother. I feel as if I am the grasslands of Sudan that are quite quickly falling to the sand of the Sahara. The horrible things I said in the past only increase the desertification. Only your family, I've learned, are people you can hate ardently, while at the same time loving them fiercely. This much I know is true. Beyond that, I'm lost. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
8:47 pm	My pride has increased considerably since last night. I had an idea to approach this essay assignment in a different way in my world history class. It's not supposed to be a real research paper, but I turned it into one. First, my professor gave me permission to rework the assignment into the paper I want to write. Second, I really impressed him by making a connection between the thirteenth chapter of Deuteronomy and the siege of Jerusalem in the first Crusade. He had never caught it. This man not only has his Ph. D. from the University of Oxford in this exact emphasis, but he has written a book and various articles on the subjects of the Middle Ages, war, the Crusades, and religion. The professor told me I have the beginnings of a Master's thesis on my hands with this paper. I am extremely proud of myself. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 17th, 2007
2:29 pm	Self Inflicted Pain (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
12:32 am	New Frontier You wander through the darkened rooms of a disjointed mind looking for some light finding all the signs I left behind that I'm in a fight not to fall apart I'm held together by a thread that sinking feeling starts to spread and I'm afraid that you'll shatter my heart (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
5:46 pm	Ow. Dear God, ow. Our Christmas party for work was today. I know it's a month late. We work retail. Our Christmas party is our way of celebrating surviving the season. We went ice skating. I do not trust most of my coworkers with sharp objects. This just strengthened my distrust. I was one of the few who do know how to skate fairly well. But once Stupidity flares, I can't leave it at that. My hand is swollen and blue already, and my knee can't support my weight. That spin was perfect. Until I gained momentum. Straight into the ice. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
2:10 am	Please, whore, I can take Jabba the Hutt And the Han Solo/Luke Skywalker triangle? You ain't seen nothing until you see a chick juggle a love octagon. Your results: You are Princess Leia Princess Leia 71% Padme 70% Han Solo 69% Boba Fett 61% Chewbacca 58% Lando Calrissian 58% Luke Skywalker 57% Obi-Wan Kenobi 53% Anakin Skywalker 53% Qui-Gon Jinn 53% You are an excellent friend and an unselfish person, yet you like to spend a lot of time on your hair and fashion. You spend most of your time with guys that are too cocky, too hairy, or too related. (This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters) Click here to take the "Which Star Wars character am I?" quiz... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 8th, 2007
12:15 am	CoMo I moved away from Columbia five months ago. That's it. Five months. I was there today, and I'm already going, "When did they build that shit? That parking lot does not exist in my memories of campus." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
6:35 pm	My end of a recent discussion. I survived my public class with a fundamentalist Christian. I even learned Brother Jed can be a real live preacher with a message that isn't choked with judgement and hypocrasy. I choose to affiliate with the Christian god, though I really am nothing more than a Deist. Like Thomas Jefferson, "Be just and be good" is all I want to take out of my faith. I don't follow the bible to the t because I realize it was written by man, and man is highly flawed. That is not the word of God. That is the word of thousands passed through time, and anyone who played telephone as a child knows the message never ends how it started. A Christian girl recently criticized Catholics to me. She knows nothing about it's corruption in Europe when it was the second estate. She doesn't care about the recent priest scandal. She doesn't know how the church tried to be the only pathway to god through is dogmatic use of a archaic language. She visited a Catholic college, and complained that, though figures of Jesus was everywhere, professors cussed, and therefore did not follow the teachings of Jesus. Admittedly, Jesus didn't seem like the type to yell, "Douchebag," to a guy who cut him off with his donkey. Thou shalt not say fuck appears nowhere in the bible. Not even somewhere in the back. Love thy neighbor, if they aren't homosexual, if they aren't pro choice, if they aren't Muslim, or Catholic, or Jewish, or Buddhist, seems to be the only message my church tried to impart on me. So, I decided to take the big picture of the religion with me. I do many things that are un-Christian. My entire lifestyle is un-Christian. So, I just try to be an okay person. Not great, definately not perfect, but I try to hurt as few people as possible. Yes, this is the hedonistic lifestyle, to Brother Jed and Sister Cindy, the land of do as you please, but it's one where I try not to judge other people (something I've seen very few other Christians do), where I believe in God, and that my version of this deity send his son to die for the sins of mankind. Maybe the Virgin Birth, the resurrection, the creation story where all metaphorical. They probably are. I don't believe for a second that the world was created in six literal days. This makes me a bad Christian to some. Even worse, to the particular little boy in my public speaking class, my God is not his God, therefore I shall see the fires of hell. Nevermind that his passing judgement on others is a sin as great as mine. He is one of God's chosen and I will spend enternity with Lucifer. I'll believe what I believe. I'll let you believe what you believe. No point in being an asshole about it. This particular boy, whose most recent speech sparked all of this religious themed stream of consciousness, seems to believe the "better Christian and dead than alive and heathen" creed that drives most missionaries. Of course, I really just think that God is Yhwh is Allah is the Mother-Creator is Vishnu is The Way. That's the one that others really argue with me about. They're the same thing, different interpretations of this faith that resides in everyone. Even Agnostics. You believe there may or may not be something out there. I believe there is. These are our faiths. Really, this whole rant started with my last speech, the one you worked a bit with. I used the ACLU as a source in a few examples, considering it is a rather researched and credible legal entity. That little Christian boy made some comment as I ended about it being the American Communist League something or other. Now, his last speech was on Christianity vs. intelligent design. No mention whatsoever of the Big Bang Theory and evolution. The only time he came near to science was when he tried to discredit it. This child truely believes the earth is no more than four thousand years old. He denied half-life radiation dating, saying fossils are used to date the layer of rock they're in, and the layer of rock is used to date fossils. Also, since someone managed to recreate coal in a laboratory setting, coal can't have been formed millions of years ago from pressurized organic material. There wasn't exactly a real, credible source on that claim. (Still following me on this?) The best part was his belief that dinosaurs and people roamed the earth together. His "proof" was a four-hundred (not thousand, hundred at the most) year old Aztec vase. It depicted a person and a "dinosaur." Excluding the fact that nearly every culture developed a dragon myth, by finding real dinosaur fossils and imagining it, the vase depicted the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl, the serpent god. It's not being judgemental to call someone stupid when it's a statement of fact. After that little crack about the ACLU, I decided to show him how real grown-ups act, and walked away from him, instead of saying, "I'm sorry I couldn't find a picture of a dinosaur to back me up." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 24th, 2006
5:55 am	Happy Turkey Day I have seven minutes left to Thanksgiving. I got back to my dorm about two hours ago. My holiday was that great. I just got the hell out of Dodge. And tomorrow, I get to work retail for the very first time on Black Friday. It just keeps getting better and better. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
9:30 pm	I am sickly. I healing from strep throat. It's better, less disgusting. My tonsils were scary. They frightened me to be attached to them. They still aren't back to normal. But they're better. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
6:18 pm	My birthday is in six hours. I will be 21. Thus far, I have accomplished a couple of things, but not as many as I wanted to ten years ago. I have bungee jumped. I finally flew in an airplane (big whoop, I know). I've been drunk. I've been stoned. I've had good jobs and bad. I've moved twice. I've had flings and actual relationships with assholes, then I've known some good guys. I've had a serious, though half-assed , marriage proposal. And I kind of accepted. I've met some of the craziest, amazing people. I've learned to ballroom dance. I've learned to bellydance. I got tattoos. I got pierced. I survived three years of college. I lost about forty pounds. What I haven't managed yet is having anything I've written really published. I can't parallel park. I still haven't beat Half Life. I'm still not great with differentiating between my right and my left. I'm not doing too bad for just being 21. Or 20 and 364 days, to be accurate. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
9:21 pm	Us. You are me And I am you Until something breaks This fort in two But I’ll stay wrapped Into you tight Unless the years pass And we lose our nights For now, we’re lovers In someplace new Because you are me And I am you (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
4:53 pm	I'm being stalked by an evangelist. I ran into a guy I know today, and he warned me, "This guy named Brother Jed is here at the bearpaw." Brother Jed and Sister Cindy are usually found at speaker's circle in Columbia telling the Mizzou kids they're going to hell. I spent the last two years randomly watching the Jesus show. I figured I was done with it when I moved three hours away. Nope. So I stood with the Flying Spaghetti Monster people, holding a sign, and debating with them. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 18th, 2006
4:19 pm	Crappy universe. My favorite uncle died last night. We just found out he had cancer last week. Doctors were just a tiny bit off on that six months they gave him. He can't be mortal because that means I am too. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
11:37 pm	Damn address bar history. So, I just started to type in www.google.com when all the past searches done with google pop up underneath, as a shortcut. The only other people to use this computer lately has been my roommate and her boyfriend. I think I just found out things about them I didn't want to know. The past searches included gay+sex+vegetables+dildos+big+holes and gay+anal+sex+free. Please, somebody poke out my mind's eye. Give it a mercy killing. Current Mood: weird (1 Comment |Comment on this)